The Cost of Losing Control
by Crimson-Eyes26
Summary: Companion piece to "The Cost of Going Rogue", set after "The Power Inside Her". April gave Leo a long talk after playing into Karai's quest of revenge. Now he feels he needs to return the favor when seeing April distraught over the battle with Za-Naron. The leader in blue wants to prove that a crystal can't tear family apart, no matter what.


**Author's Note: Hello, everyone! While I've been continuing on Turtle Dove stuff (I've been distracted by overtime and the new Pokemon games), I had this little piece in mind since seeing the episode "The Power Inside Her". Now this is actually a companion piece to my other one-shot "The Cost of Going Rogue", and let's just say it'll be Leo giving the talk to April this time. I honestly think April's corruption by the crystal runs a little deeper than just Za-Naron alone, and I wanted to address that. I also think that since Leo and April connected well in "Eyes of the Chimera", they were due for another bonding moment. Not romantic, mind you, but bonding nonetheless (though I confess I saw a few Leopril stories that are actually pretty good). Anyway, read and review!**

* * *

Leonardo was the first to notice April disappear from the pit. The others seemed to notice with enough time, but didn't question where she went. They were too busy flocking over Donatello and making sure he was back in body and spirit. This was after April voice apologies for the events earlier that evening. Leo easily summed everything up in his mind. April finally lost herself to that Aeon crystal, went on a psychic rampage as a being called 'Za-Naron', reduced Donnie to molecules, destroyed the crystal and Za-Naron, and brought Donnie back.

He knew that's what prompted April to isolate herself. He also knew that the others didn't say anything to call her back because they were still, to put it lightly, _intimidated_ by her. Leo admitted he still felt tense around her; he witnessed her being used by a cosmic spirit to obliterate Donnie. What he and the others couldn't get her to understand was that they didn't hate her.

When he saw her perched on the cold steps leading to the dojo, it certainly brought back memories. Not long ago, he sat on those steps clad in black gear and sulking over himself after Donnie got caught in the Auman Chemicals explosion. He still remembered the intensity in April's voice when she chewed him out for choosing Karai and her revenge game over them. She didn't know it then, but he silently thanked her for opening his eyes and prompting him to make things right.

Now…maybe it was time he returned the favor.

Drowning out the background noise of his brothers and Casey, Leo got up and calmly approached April at the dojo steps. The moment the redhead saw him, she tried in vain to hide her face deeper into her arms and knees. Leo immediately empathized; it was the 'this whole thing is my fault and you can't convince me otherwise' action.

 _Looks like April and I have something else in common._

"You know, sitting like that is going to strain your back and neck." The blue-masked turtle jested, taking a seat next to the redhead. Nothing…he needed to keep trying. "I don't think a kunoichi should be making a trip to the chiropractor."

Still no answer from April, but he couldn't give up now. If joking didn't work, then getting straight to the point would. "April, if you're still bothered by what happened tonight, you don't need to-"

"Why don't you hate me?"

Leo blinked and found himself flinching at the bluntness of the question. "April, why would I hate you?"

April didn't bother to raise her head, only sighing and adding, "You saw what I did tonight, Leo. I reduced Donnie to molecules when he only tried to help me. I almost did the same to Raph, and I threw you guys around and almost broke every bone in your body. Why won't you hate me for it?"

"April, that wasn't you." Leo insisted in a huff. "It was that Za-Naron using you. Stop blaming yourself for this."

"But it IS my fault, Leo!" April shot her head up, increasing the volume of her voice and not caring if the others diverted their attention to her now. "Donnie and Master Splinter told me over and over that the crystal was dangerous, but I ignored them and used it anyway! And in that moment when I destroyed Donnie…" The angry expression on her face crumpled, and she buried her face in her hands to hide her tears. "…I cared more about the crystal than him."

"You didn't care that much about the crystal when you shattered it." Leo bluntly pointed out, eyeing the area around her neck where the dreaded rock used to reside. Remembering the malevolent grin she had when she flung that chemical truck at Shredder made him shiver, but he wouldn't let her see it. "You care enough about Donnie-us-that you had the strength to destroy the crystal and Za-Naron."

April shook her head. "None of this would've happened if I had listened in the first place. I should've never accepted it from the Aeons. I should've never let Za-Naron feed off my insecurities and make me power-hungry." Looking at Leo with pained blue eyes, she added with great emphasis, "I chose to use the crystal, so it's still all my fault."

Well, so much for this being easy. However, one thing about Leonardo was that he loved challenges, almost as much as Donnie did. Using the same-old 'it's not your fault' speech wouldn't work with April…so why not a different approach? Why not get to the bottom of these feelings?

"How about you answer me this, April?" Leo asked calmly, a green hand suddenly resting on her shoulder. "Why did you feel like you needed the crystal so much?"

The question took April aback. Her eyes went to Donnie for a moment while she thought of her answer. Donnie, her best friend, the same turtle who pleaded for her to return to her senses, only for her to vaporize him in a psychic blast; selfishly telling him he mattered little compared to the godforsaken crystal. The very friend whose trust she all but shattered in that moment, just like she shattered his body. And for what? Well, the 'what' she was ready to reveal to Leo.

"…Back in space, I really just used it in dire situations. Really, I would've been fine if I hadn't used it at all." April began, plastering on a smile that quickly faded from emotional fatigue. "After we got back, I still felt fine…but after I became a kunoichi, I felt I had to do anything to prove I earned the title. Raph still kept implying that I was weak, and…and then Karai and Shinigami told me I didn't deserve the title. They rubbed it in…and that's when the dark thoughts started. I actually wanted to _kill_ Shinigami. If it wasn't for Donnie, I would have."

Leo blinked, but remained calm and waved his hand. "Go on."

"Since then, I became obsessed with proving that I'm just as good as them and you guys. No…I became obsessed with proving that I was BETTER than them and you guys. Instead of using my tanto and tessen like I should've, I relied too much on my psychic powers. I wanted so bad to show that I wasn't incompetent that I ended up putting a piece of rock over my family and friends." April wiped at her eyes, tears of frustration and regret trickling down her freckled cheeks. "Za-Naron knew this and used that against me. She constantly fed into my insecurities, told me that if I got rid of the crystal, I'd be back to the weak 'Princess April' that everyone could boss around. I would be told 'ninjas only' no matter what I did."

Leo remembered the times he told her 'ninjas only', but didn't think much of it then. Now he knew he couldn't use that on her anymore, but he regretted the times he did. He thought he said it to keep her from getting hurt or overconfident, but obviously she didn't take it that way. Well, this wasn't the first time she made him have regrets, but he wouldn't make a big deal out of it now. All that mattered now was letting April get her feelings out on the table.

"I did horrible things. I became so obsessive, and for what? Just so I could brag that I was better than Karai and Shinigami? Just so I could shove Raph's condescending attitude in his face? Just to prove I deserved the kunoichi title?"

The blue-masked turtle stayed silent, and that had April worried. Was he finally about to admit that he indeed hated her, or that her reasons for her addiction to the crystal were insignificant and selfish? Would he admit that she didn't deserve to be a part of her clan? Part of her wanted him to say these things so she would finally know, but she also dreaded the very thoughts. Once Leo took a deep breath and looked at her again, she braced herself for whatever was to come.

"You want to know what I think?" Leo asked calmly as a small smile graced his lips. "If you'd known that the crystal would affect you so much, you would've destroyed it a long time ago. You didn't know any of this would happen."

The redhead blinked in confusion. "But…"

"Let me finish." Leo halted her from arguing and continued, "Your motives were, well, pretty selfish." He paused at the look on her face. "Hey, I'm your friend; I have to be honest with you. However, I get that you wanted to prove yourself, and you just went about it the wrong way. But April…you don't have to prove yourself to any of us. Even without your psychic powers, we know that you're capable of defending yourself and others. We gave you a hard time about it before because we have something you're still getting…experience."

April seemed to relax. _It's working._ "I've got a secret, April. Karai told me things on those nights I helped her and Shinigami. Thing is…she gave you a hard time for being a kunoichi because…she's jealous of you. Not because of you being valued by the Kraang or being friends with us, but because she thinks you're everything Splinter wanted in a daughter. She told you that you didn't deserve the title because she didn't want to feel replaced by you as Sensei's daughter. Don't worry, she regrets it, okay?"

As the redhead started relaxing even more, Leo knew he had to keep going with this technique, lest he lose her for good. One thing about being a friend was being honest, even if said honesty hurt. If he didn't care about April, he wouldn't be telling her the truth. "Don't mind Raph, either. He makes those jabs because he thinks it'll keep you from getting cocky. He got cocky a few times, and it wound up with Mikey knocked unconscious by Snakeweed and me leaving the team for a while. He doesn't want you to learn the hard way, too."

"But…I saw the way you guys reacted when I pulled out my tanto." April insisted, still feeling nagging doubt keeping her from forgiving herself. "You guys…you're all _afraid_ of me."

"I wouldn't say afraid, more like wary. I mean…you've got to admit, April, everything we saw tonight, it won't be easy to get over."

April cast her eyes down, but looked back up when Leo addressed her again. "But that doesn't mean we hate you or resent you in any way. You beat Za-Naron, you stopped relying on the crystal, you brought Donnie back…that should be enough to show you want to redeem yourself. Now, you get to hone your powers the right way…through practice. Besides, you don't need some stupid crystal to show us that you're a member of the team."

With that spoken, April sniffled quietly and buried her face into Leo's shoulder. Leo didn't hesitate in patting her shoulder in return. The last time they ever connected like this was the Chimera incident; a time when they realized they had quite a lot in common. Plus, he knew the pressure of living up to a high expectation…that was the kind of empathy April needed.

"Donnie'll be fine." Leo stated quietly. "The shock'll wear off, and he'll be okay. He doesn't hate you, either. He knows you would never intentionally hurt him. He cares about you too much to throw you away like that."

April nodded into his shoulder, feebly replying, "…I'm sorry for yelling at you after the Karai incident."

"April, I needed that talk. I needed it more than anything." The blue-masked turtle confessed, raising her up to look him in the eyes and fully understand his words. "And I wanted to return the favor because I knew you needed it. That's what friends do."

The redhead placed her head on his shoulder again, giving a quiet, "Thank you…"

Leo knew then that neither of them were lost causes after all. They would heal, they would learn from this night, and they would make sure their family bond would strengthen, not fracture. A piece of Aeon crystal couldn't tear them apart, physically or emotionally.

Some good definitely came out of it.

* * *

 **And there you have it! I personally believe that while Earth helped corrupt the crystal, I also believe April's own insecurities corrupted it, and Za-Naron fed off her insecurities. I also feel that she was so desperate to prove herself that she relied heavily on the crystal, but realized it was the wrong way to get stronger. Fortunately for her, Leo is understanding about it. Well, since I've got this bit out, I'll be back to writing more on Turtle Dove stuff! Stay tuned, as always!**


End file.
